HOW CAN I FORGIVE AND FORGET?
My boyfriend (age 25) and I (24) have been dating for two years. We also dated on and off through high school. About eight months ago I found his picture on dating websites. I told him about it and he deleted it and apologized.
Recently I found a massage
pillow and sunglasses in our apartment. I questioned him and he told me he had a massage therapist give him a message because his back hurt. I asked him why he didn't tell me and where the therapist was from, and he said he didn't want to make me angry and he had found her on the internet. I asked if he thought what he did was wrong and he said yes, not telling me was wrong -- otherwise no.
I ended up leaving for a month until he said he was ready to talk about our relationship. He told me he was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. I don't trust him completely yet, and he doesn't understand why. Should I have ever gone back if I can't forgive and forget right away, or should we try to work things out little by little?
What makes infidelity humiliating and estranging is keeping secrets from a partner -- but what makes it really hurt is the partner’s interest in emotional or sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Your boyfriend is clueless that he inflicted emotional pain on you. Repairing the damage takes work, and it requires him not merely telling you he’s sorry but working to demonstrate it.
Forgiving is not a one-sided task. It is only possible when your partner understands he did something wrong -- he violated the rules you thought you were both living by, and that is a certifiable trauma. He violated an implicit commitment to you, which not only hurt you but destroyed your trust in him.
Unless he has empathy for the pain his acts caused you, there is no point in even trying to rebuild the relationship, because there is no foundation of caring. Even then, it’s not easy.
If you both wish to continue a relationship, it is his job to demonstrate both his commitment to the relationship and his trustworthiness to you in a way both of you agree upon in advance. Perhaps he allows you to check his web-browser history each day or his cell phone log.
What you have done is allowed him to resume the relationship as if everything were the same as before while you’ve taken on the unilateral burden of forgiving and forgetting. That’s impossible -- a recipe for resentment and depression. It’s your job to hold your boyfriend to a higher standard -- and if he doesn’t meet it, then it’s time to look for someone who does. | 